Phantom's Phans
by Maraudeur Masque
Summary: A short one act comical play a friend and I wrote for our own entertainment based on our ideas of how we would determine who Christine chose. Hilarity ensues. Oneshot.


I was the chief overseer of all the llamas used in Monty Pythons and the Quest for the Holy Grail. Thus said, I do not own Phantom. I only Phantom related things I own is a ticket stub, book, movie, and OBC soundtrack.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

(Two Phans are conversing about Erik and Raoul's inner feesh/fish as they stroll nonchalantly into Erik's Lair)

Erika: So, as I was saying, Eriky-poo is a TOTAL Tiger Shark.

Raoule: Heck no! Erik is a pufferfish. Raoul is the Tiger Shark.

Erika:(Scoffing)Raoul is no more of a Tiger Shark than I am a spider monkey. Raoul's a Beluga Whale. Big and afraid of everything.

Raoule: (Scornful) Oh sure. Erik's only talent is making himself seem like a "big man" . The only thing he's really good at doing is playing that stupid piano-

Erika: (angry interruption)It's a pipe organ! Gosh!

Raoule: (Ignores her) Oh sure, he such a good pianist. But he has no moral compunction.

Erika: I have no idea what you just said, but it sure didn't sound like a compliment.

Raoule: Of course not. It means he kills for fun.

Erika: (Scandalized) He does not! When has he ever killed for fun?

Raoule:When he tried to kill Raoul!

Erika: First of all, he didn't actually kill him. Secondly, that wasn't for fun!

Raoule: Yes, but it was an "attempted" murder which is still punishable by law! And who wouldn't have fun doing anything with Raoul? Raoul is fun at "everything"!

Erika: (Sighs and rolls her eyes) You're hopeless.

Raoule: So are you! (Sounds of an argument drift towards the girls) What was that? I thought you said this area was blocked off?

Erika:(Nervous) I thought it was too.

Raoule: Hm...(ponders)... should we turn back?

Erika: (shocked) How can you turn down adventure and mystery so easily? We could find a skeleton, or a kidnapper, or a RABID DUCKBILLED PLATAPUS!!!!

Raoule: (mutters) And you think I'm hopeless

Erika: It's because you never have any fun. Come on. How

can we turn back now? I mean, we might even meet-

Raoul and Erik(Offstage): CHRISTINE!!

Raoule: Who's...calling...Christine?

Erika: Lets go find out! I love being nosy! Prying into other peoples lives is fun! Lets go!

( Erika grabs Raoule's arm and runs offstage)

Scene Two

(Erik and Raoul are shouting nasty things at each other with an occasional punch thrown in to spice things up. Christine looks on hysterically while being sheltered by Mme. Giry. The Phans are offstage.)

Raoul: Christine loves me! You are ugly! I am pretty! Oh, so pretty! I am pretty, and... My prettiness, it makes up for my total lack of common sense!

Erik: Now I know this may be hard for your blissful, blond brain to believe, but she isn't yours. She doesn't love you. She never loved you. She loved me from the start!

Raoul: (gasps and slaps Erik)

Erik: (laughter) Feel Better?

Raoul: ...Yes!

Erik: Good! (slaps Raoul) So do I! (Erik and Raoul begin fighting. Christine looks on with horror. Or shock. Or extremely well disguised happiness.)

Christine: Meep.(The Phans open the door a tiny crack to listen better.)

Mme. Giry: Honestly, you're scaring the child! She has a role to attend tonight!

Raoul: But if she marries me, she will never have to sing for money again!

Erik: And if she marries me, she will sing forever! Because Christine is the Angel of the Opera, right darling?

Christine: Meep.

Mme. Giry: Well stop fighting! You're scaring her!

Raoul and Erik: Then what do you suggest we do?

Mme. Giry: Well, according to my sources, there are two Phans outside this room, plainly curious to the goings on.

Erika:(A stab at decoy-ing) What Phans? It's just the Mailmen! (Raoule claps a hand over her mouth)

Raoul: (Excited) Oh, goody! It's my Seventeen magazine!

Erik: (rolls eyes and mutters) Fops. I suppose we have to let them in. (He yanks open the door and the Phans topple into the room.)

Raoul: (Disappointed) Where's the mail?

Erika:(To Raoule)You liked him why?

Raoule: (To Erika, but clearly staring at Raoul) Hush.

Erika: Oh...My...God

Erik:Oh..no... (Erik makes an attempt at an escape, but is dragged down by the giant hug)

Erika: ERIK I LOVE YOU!!!!!! (continues to profess her undying love for Erik)

Erik: Oh, you phan girl, I love you too. Now please get off of me

Erika: (snatches Eriks leg) No /pronounced neu/

Christine: Meep

Raoule: Aw... look, a cornucopia of Love! (goes to hug Raoul) Aw...

Raoul: (hopeful) The End?

Mme. Giry: (Coldly) No. But it appears you have been sucked in by that insipid cultural phenomenon known only as "Potter Puppet Pals" .

All except Raoule: Huh?

Raoule: She means you're all idiots.

Raoul: Huh?(Erika sniggers)

Erik: So perhaps you heard our discussion?

Mme. Giry: (snappish) Your cage fight, more like.

Erik: Well, Christine has apparently gone lukewarm in her engagement to Raoul. So she came back to see if I was still alive. Raoul had to play the hero though...(angry glare at Raoul)

Raoule: And that's why I love him! (beams)

Christine: Meep

Erika, Erik & Mme. Giry: ( nods unconvincingly) Uh huh...

Raoule: I do! Really!

Raoul: Do what?

Erika: (Groans) Stupid Fop.

Erik: I agree.

Erika: ( starts flipping out) OH MY GOSH, ERIK AGREES WITH ME!!!!!! I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALL OF ETERNITY!!

Erik: Umm...Phan? You're scaring me. A lot

Erika: (embarrassed cough) Umm... Yeah. Sorry. I'll be good from now on. But still (smiles) You agreed with me : )

Raoule: (rolls eyes) Ugly Bug.

Erik:(Tries to punjab Raoule) How dare you call me an Ugly Bug!

Raoul:(Throws himself in front of Raoule) Teach me how to sing like you!

Erik: What the heck?(stunned)

Mme. Giry: Wrong show Raoul.

Raoul: My name is Colin Mockerie, thank you very much!

Erik: (shakes head) Mental.

Christine: Meep.

Raoule: (A little disillusioned) No, you're not! You're a handsome young viscount, Raoul De Chagny, not some ugly bald guy.

Raoul: Really? (Beams)

Erik: No. Not really.

Raoul: AH I'M UGLY!!! I am NOTHING without my beauty! My beauty made up for my total lack of common sense! What will I do to make myself look smart now? Learn to play the piano and wear a half mask?

Erik: (Punjabs Raoul, but only gets it stuck around his big, fat, head) Gr...

Erika: How can you like him? He's soooo stupid!

Christine: Meep.

Mme. Giry: This isn't solving matters. You two-(She points accusingly at Erika and Raoule who are in the process of trying to snog their respective worship-objects) either leave or think of something to stop the fight. And you two(She does the same to Erik and Raoul who are trying to avoid being snogged by the nutty Phans)you'd better get a hold of yourselves! This is no way to behave in front of young ladies!

Erik and Raoul:(glare at each other and sit in opposite corners of the room) Fine.

Erika: Aww..(disappointed) It was kind of cute when they were fighting.

Raoule:(dreamily) Yeah, they were all sweaty..

Mme. Giry: (Cutting curtly across what promises to be a monologue maximus) Either help or leave. Don't needlessly phantisize.

Erika: What if they had a song contest?

Raoul:(excited once more) You mean like American Idol?

Raoule: Aww... you are so Smart!

Raoul: I am?

Erik: No.

Erika: A singing contest? THAT WOULD BE SO COOL!!!

Raoul: Well, I'm obviously the best singer in the room

Christine: (glares) MEEP.

Erik: Hello? I'm the "Angel of Music" . You are les Foppish princess. I'm the best singer!

(Erik and Raoul continue with "I'm the Better singer" )

Erika: So... do we get to choose their songs?

Raoule: Yup! Its our contest, so we get to make the rules...

Erika: (delighted gasp) We could make it a STRIPING contest and a singing contest!

Erik: NO!

Raoul:...Ok! Sounds like fun!

Erika: (to Raoule) Honestly, what do you see in him?

Mme. Giry: ANYWAY... Have you girls reached a decision yet?

Erika: Yeah, they're going to stri-

Raoule: (interrupts hastily) They're going to sing and dance, and we get to pick their songs.

Mme. Giry:(raises eyebrow) Oh, really? That sounds...um..

Raoul:(squeals) FUN!

Erika: (rolls her eyes) Right.

Mme. Giry: Right, then. I'll toss a coin to see who gets to pick first. Sound good?

Christine: Meep. (Everyone else nods. Raoul gets to go first.)

Erika: (with a derisive giggle) What are you going to have him sing, Raoule; "I'm Too Sexy" ?

Raoule: (haughtily) You may laugh, Erika, but that's exactly what I'm going to have him sing.(Erika stares dumbfounded, while Raoul bounces, excited, while clapping his hands.)

Raoul: Righty then. Yay! (He launches into a wild dance/stripping routine, revealed finally in his rather exuberant undershirt and tighty-whities. Raoule is staring transfixed, while Erik and Erika punctuate his supposedly-suggestive performance with shrewd and sarcastic remarks. Christine gives an occasional "Meep" while Mme. Giry tries not to laugh. All of this goes on to the sound of Raoul warbling " I'm Too Sexy " )

(music Fades out)

Erika: Okay then...

Raoul: Oh Eriky Poo! Its your turn

Erik: (takes out Punjab lasso) Don't. Call. Me. That. Ever. Again.

Raoul: Meep

Raoule: Alright then! Its Erik's turn. ( turns to Erika) And what is the Not-as-handsome-or-stripworthy-as – Raoul going to sing for us tonight?

Erika: Well, I have an idea. He's such a brilliant, dark genius, right?

Raoule: (Rolls eyes) Uh-huh. Right.

Erika: (persistent) And he gets easily depressed, right?

Raoul: That's for sure. (But at a threatening snap from Erik's lasso, he falls silent.)

Erika: (brightly) So I was thinking he could sing "Bad Day" !

Erik: (stunned) You. Have. To. Be. Kidding.

Erika: No, I'm not. Now get going.

Erik: (angry) How dare you! (tries to strangle Erika)

Mme. Giry: You agreed to this contest. Get going. (Erik, muttering, takes center stage. Raoule begins laughing as he gets into position, but is instantly silenced as he performs a beautiful tap dance to "Bad Day" . Raoul & Raoule are making blunt, stupid, ineffective comments, Mme. Giry and Erika are staring, and there's an occasional " Meep " from Christine. All in all, it was far better than Raoul's performance.)

Erika: Bravo Monsieur! Such spirited words!

Raoul:... Have I heard that before?

(all roll eyes except for Raoule)

Raoule: (dreamy sigh) Aw... he's so naïve it's romantic! How CUTE! (squeals with delight)

Erika: (whispers to Erik) Raoule likes her men short, light, and wimpy

Erik: (smirks)

Raoule: How dare you! He isn't a wimp! He is a hero! Remember, he came here to save Christine?

Raoul: Actually, I left my uber manly Hello Kitty limited edition sparkling pink necklace here last time, and came to look for it.

Erika: Did you even notice Christine went missing?

Raoul: ( gasp of horror) She did? Where did she go? Why can't I find her? Who will give me my medications if I can't find Christine?

Christine: ...Meep

Mme. Giry- ANYWAY... I have chosen the winner of the singing competition

Erika: Wait.. who died and made you judge?

Mme. Giry: (sarcastically) The canary on my shoulder.

Raoul: (confused) What canary? I don't see anything!

Raoule: He's so adorable. (snuggles Raoul)

Mme. Giry: Well, if you're QUITE through, I'd like to announce the winner..

Raoul: Oh boy!

Mme. Giry: It's Erik!

Raoule: What? That's not fair! It was rigged!

Erika: No it wasn't!

Raoule:(furiously) He's known Giry since he came to the Opera!

Erika: Well...so what!

Raoul: You are so cliché!

Christine: MEEP!

Phans: Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna settle this like a real Phan, right here, right NOW! (They strike threatening poses, but when they run to each other, it's nothing more than a catfight.)

Mme. Giry: Girls, please! (They break apart, but still glare at each other.)

Raoul and Raoule: Well, we're going to turn you in!(Raoul walks furiously offstage, but Raoule stays)

Erik: (to Raoule) If you don't go with him, he will get lost.

Raoule: (cheerfully) Thats the point!

Everyone: (disbelief) What?

Mme. Giry: But..you were a Raoul Phan!

Raoule: (cheerfully) Everyone says that! But the truth is I've been waiting for this opportunity for years! That was fun!

Erik: So... That means...

Phans: That's right!...

Erik: Oh...No... ( Erik begins to back away slowly)

Phans: Double Glomp Erik! ( They chase Erik off out of the lair and into the dark. Mme. Giry and Christine are staring at each other with a very loud awkward silence)

Christine: Meep

End


End file.
